Good morning, Greendale Community College.
First, our cafeteria would like to announce a change in the menu: Instead of garden-style pizza, the cafeteria will be serving meatloaf surprise today and Monday as well.
In unrelated news, our department of reptile and amphibian studies has been closed due to budget cuts and alleged sanitary miscues.
Moving on, there have been some concerns raised about tracking down the so-called "dunya-removers," and rightfully so, as we Greendale Human Beings care about human beings very much. One suggestion raised to root out the culprits is trustfall exercises.
Trustfall exercises? Really? What even are those? Did God do trustfall exercises before Lucifer fell? If so, that would have been awkward.
We have a list of names here that may be involved in this nasty bit of dunya-removal.
We'll start with ColinisCool. The very first class he took here was "Crapping on Mac: 101," which...well, grades are confidential, but everybody remembers the instructor telling Colin how his crapping on mac looked like crap. The next thing on his schedule was calling colonialbob a bad person because he had used a smiley face. This accusation was made on a Wednesday around two-thirty in the afternoon. Greendale is aware of only one minor instance of colonialbob using a face icon, which isn't sufficient enough to be any kind of "tell." The juxtaposition of posts #801 and #337 is funny. After this, Colin voted dunya for Class President (as colonialbob would later do), and he tried taking "Crapping on Mac: 101" again to improve his GPA, but again found little success. The dean's
analysis of Colin's activity vis-à-vis colonialbob was made with kid gloves and without consideration regarding how Colin figured he would look coming out of the first day here at Greendale.
On an unrelated note, if you're going to ride the bus, you have to get on board completely. You can't ride the bus with one leg on the road. Well, you
could, but it isn't recommended if you wish to maintain your credibility or your eligibility for spring athletics.
Next up is DFaraday and his eleven posts. Like ColinisCool, DFaraday took "Crapping on Mac: 101," but he appeared to have dropped the class when he discovered someone had
tampered with his water bottle. We at Greendale think it's prudent to leave such persons around, as they will either prove especially helpful or fall victim to an even more upsetting accident occurring through no fault of their own.
Epignosis has left his cowboy hat and thong in the mail room again. Please pick up these belongings as soon as it is convenient. With that out of the way, let's talk about him. He's arrogant, rude, and sometimes insufferable, but does that make him a bad person? It has been brought up that colonialbob is the only individual Epignosis didn't interact with at all. In our experience, people in cahoots make at least some kind of effort to communicate publicly with their conspirators. If recent memory serves, Epignosis made a disaster of the ice cream social when he kept insisting on
nutella-flavored ice cream with
sprityo toppings when all anyone had to offer was
vanilla. Despite how embarrassing that was, We think it is a huge point in Epignosis' favor that he had no interactions with colonialbob. We can't endorse him being kicked off campus.
JaggedJimmyJay's interactions with colonialbob are messy, and we at Greendale know that messy means things are getting done! Usually. There are a few times we don't talk about. Overall, the exchanges look natural, not unlike the Hawthorne Bean Dip you can buy in our gift shop. We have a hard time viewing him as a dunya-remover. With that said, we believe his efforts are wasteful, given how he has spent most of today obsessing over Epignosis, who is not in any way related to a Dalmatian. The two should be working together. Now kiss.
With the existence of a godfather or forger or whatever the kids are calling it these days, there are two avenues a sensible group of conspirators could take. The first, and most common, is to protect what is likely their most valuable player and let him gum up the works. This did not happen, because the MVP was taken under the bleachers and beaten with a bag of shredded Chevy Chase resumes, and therefore no works were gummed up. That's good. The second avenue is to make sufficient copies of the bus schedule, which you could then give out to unsuspecting Greendale commuters and make them think highly of you from now until the Cougarton Abbey reunion (which is to say, always). Enter MacDougall. The key question to ask yourselves, Greendale student body, is whether you believe MacDougall called out colonialbob from almost the very beginning and didn't take his foot off the pedal (figuratively speaking), knowing exactly what would happen. If the campus climate will be one of complete respect and admiration for someone who "dropped one" on the "godfather" slash "forger," then it makes complete sense for the team to make this gambit. Was it a gambit though? We think we know the answer to this, but we'd like it to at least be discussed in the interest of thoroughness. Survey your peers. Go on. You won't look weird. Promise.
novaselinenever is the name on this list that we don't have an opinion on one way or another. We really don't know what to do with him. Kick him? Punch him? Kickpunch him? You decide.
Quin, on the other hand, looks genuine. Yes, genuine. "Genuquin" is not a word, nor is it a clever portmanteau. His response to dunya's
eyes of death (which we never want to see again) was casual, carefree, and without care. Quin is not high up on the totem pole (can we even say "totem pole" anymore?) of good folk, but he's at least on there, probably serving as one of the lower, more familiar spirit animals, like the newt or the hobo.
reywaS has eighteen posts. While we at Greendale would like to remind the student body that it's important to be active and on top of things, we do recognize that sometimes people get behind, and getting behind provides less of an incentive to get ahead. That's probably a paradox or something. reywaS did not cast a vote although he indicated an intention to vote for colonialbob. reywaS also confessed that he was behind, but also did not shake his fist at the most likely reason he was behind. Instead, he
approved of it. reywaS is the mosquito on Quin's left ear, or the right one if the left one has been vandalized.
We know the announcements are not always cool, but we thank you all, Greendale, for
forging ahead with us, if we may be so bold as to make a delightful pun, and hearing everything we have to say. There's only one more name on our list: sabie12. sabie12 has transferred from Mr. Bigglesworth Community College. The problem is that her transcript contains courses that we don't know if they will transfer satisfactorily or not. sabie12, could you please report to the main office and show us any experience you have on the unrighteous side of life? From what we can tell, having reviewed your thirty-two credit hours, you look uncomfortable here at Greendale, as though you have received a bad grade for the first time ever in your academic career, and you don't know how to work with it. You have a deer-in-the-headlights look about you. An enthusiastic deer-in-the-headlights, sure, but you look lost, lost in the sense that you don't know how to proceed given how uncomfortable you are with the new, menacing friends you have made (like colonialbob). As of right now, we do not feel confident in your ability to fit in with the other well-meaning students here, and that you might even be a danger to them. We look forward to hearing from you.
This is all we have time for, Greendale Community College. Be a human being!
One last thing: Whoever scribbled "We should lynch the public address system" on the wall of the faculty restroom should come forth at once, apologize, remove the graffiti, and reevaluate their life choices.
