Self-hatred, Forgiveness, Content

[DaughterOfOmega]

I wanted to type a few things out onto a computer screen, and share them with someone. I don't really have friends or any space to talk, so I hope Syndicate is alright with me. I have never talked about some of these in detail, nor ever shared them on the internet. It is my greatest regret and fear in life, I don't want to be a monster.

I dropped out of highschool in the year 2013 as a junior. I was heavily bullied at school, and going through emotional abuse at home. I had never spent time getting to know myself and my brain before all of this was happening to me. I struggled with so many issues I didn't understand, before dropping out I did something I considered demonic at the time. The most active bully I had during my highschool years had started to physically abuse me again someday in October (I was held down by his friends and they would all be punching me in my gut because I was fat and insecure of my weight.) That day it happened in gym class which was my second period, this bully and I rode the same bus, so later that day once school was over I had waited for him to get on the bus. I had unbuckled my belt, took it off and held it in my hand, after the first pitstop I had gotten up to sit behind the seat he was in. I wrapped the belt around both of my hands tightly, while we drove to the next stop I had threw my hands over the seat and started to wrap the belt around my bully's throat, and I just pulled as tightly as I could. All I remember was him choking and everyone around me screaming. A bunch of people pulling at me and my hands to let the boy go, I was actively killing him if they didn't get to me. After I had stopped I bursted into tears, and the busdriver kicked me off the bus at the next stop. I had to call my parents, all I told them was that I felt like a demon. My mother had seen all the bruises on my stomach, and she had talked with the school that day about what happened. I just kept crying, not because I was bullied, not because I had a bad home environment, it's because that day I realized the monster I was capable of being. I had hated to look in the mirror and remember the moment my hands were trying to kill a human being. I never returned to school. Friends no longer responded to my texts, deleted me from their xbox friendlists the following few days. For the rest of my life, I would never be able to make up for that day, and it took a long time for me to be okay with myself.

That was the first time in my life I truly hated myself. I spent years in therapy trying to rebuild confidence in myself. If I am being honest, I still haven't found to love myself again.

In 2019 there were two events, six years later but still not having matured I once again acted demonically. I won't put a lot of backstory into this for privacy reasons. I was this uncontrollable monster still, and because I was in pain and felt hurt, I decided that I was going to hurt others worse. I made several attempts to put fear into several individuals, be it death threats, comments about suicide, pain, it didn't matter to me. Anything was on the table as long as I could hurt these people. I fear what I could have done to someone if this wasn't over the internet. I didn't choke anyone this time because I didn't have that option, but I could not say if I would have been able to stop myself from doing it again. What's worse is that I didn't immediately feel horrible, I didn't apologize, I didn't do everything in my power to fix what I had done. I was a monster, and this time I let myself not even feel regret right away.

It wasn't until a year later that I can truthfully say that I finally looked back at what I did with disgust. I didn't want to look back because deep down I knew how much of a monster I was being, but I was scared to face that reality. I have been suicidal in the past, and I feared if I looked back at what I did I'd kill myself. Though one day I was constantly thinking about it, and I could not get the pain out of my head, just picturing the pain I caused shook the core of my soul. That day I remembered what a smart man once told me "First you need to learn to forgive yourself for your mistakes and then rebuild the things that caused whatever you disliked doing. Then you can seek forgiveness, but I'm not going to tell you that it will always be out there." Deep down I desired a road of redemption, but I didn't understand what that was. At first I had apologized to the people I had hurt, they wanted nothing to do with me. One of the people did say that they appreciated me apologizing, and they hope I do become better, but for some reason it didn't help me at all. I realized that I never had forgiven myself, that I still hated my mind for being a monster, and I could never move on unless I somehow could do that. So I tried everything, I even at times hurt people trying to forgive myself, unintentionally.

Recently something happened, and it reminded me how much of a monster I used to be, at first I cried and it hurt a lot to relive those memories. After some time passed I thought for a bit, and asked myself "have I started to become less of a monster?" I then said "I think just a little." This might be the first time in eight years that I have begun to forgive myself, and I'm hoping this is a big step toward me feeling forgiven. I still am not entirely sure what that word means, but I at least feel more love for myself today than I did the day before.

It's a new feeling, one in which I have never experienced. I'm actually achieving what I wanted, and I might be able to be normal at some point. I wonder if this is what being content with yourself means.

[DaughterOfOmega]

My first dental work in 11 years is happening today. The check up said my teeth are okay outside of one cavity being filled today. Hope everything goes well

[DaughterOfOmega]

I don't have strong episodes of mania, but damn when they hit and I feel super pumped and motivated LETS GO

[DaughterOfOmega]

Now time to find ways to make new friends and stay motivated, not just doing positive things when I feel good!

Need to do some indoor weights, but I slept all day! midnight exercise is a go

[DaughterOfOmega]

"Personally I enjoy a reasonably strong degree of success in mafia and people generally enjoy playing with me and invite me to their games. On the other hand you have been permanently banned from one mafia site (including a recent attempt to evade that ban) and are now stating your intentions to leave another. I don't think you're in a position to be telling me what is the best way to play games in a way that makes others not dislike playing with me."

What my mind always goes back to "Benji do you remember how awfully you were treated for making posts like these in 2017? People are treated like angels for when they use your past and issues to make fun of you and harass you. If you ever respond or said these things, you'd be continuously treated as a demon, but what never changes is the fact you aren't human and people can hurt you with no consequences."

[DaughterOfOmega]

@Alison

Let me know here if you have a response to what I said at the end of basic mafia.

I tried to tackle your misconceptions of me. Lots of people don't know my truth, and only have one bit of information about my MU history. It hurts me knowing that the Mu staff let members know so little about what happened, so they leave things up to people like you to decide.

I would have privately told you something, but I felt like tackling your wrong assumptions publicly because I don't want people not seeing my reply. Thanks

[Alison]

JJJ's post was pretty clear about not continuing disputes that could be seen as personal. I am choosing not to reply in order to obey his instruction.

[JaggedJimmyJay]

Topic can be reopened when this dialogue is very over.

[JaggedJimmyJay]

I’ve unlocked the topic.

[DaughterOfOmega]

I’ve unlocked the topic.

well thanks bud