The Syndicate

tutuu wrote: ↑Sun May 14, 2023 7:29 pm i'd like to share something i'm very sensitive about in an attempt to heal from it. i'd like to ask that if ur under 18 to please not read, and i'll add a trigger warning for sexual assault

Spoiler: show

i was molested when i was 13. sexual assault via penetration. an older kid at school did it, he was 16. we didn't know each other, he just wanted to do it to someone, saw me, how weak i looked, did it to me in broad daylight in front of my friends. when my "friends" saw this, one of them, the nasty one said "they are f-ggots! run away from them!" and started running and laughing. the other "friend", a very kind hearted one but not particularly bright or an independent thinker followed his suggestion without questioning it and did the same. i haven't told anyone about this irl, i was too terrified that i was weak, i didn't wanna be seen as weak, i blamed myself for not being strong enough to retaliate. the way i coped with it is by blocking the memory out. it helped that i wasn't sexually aware at that age yet, so i didn't actually realize it was a sexual assault, i just winced at the pain and was confused why did he decide to hurt me in that weird place out of all other places he could have picked from. much later on i realized what happened to me and i'm trying a new method to cope with it, by sharing about it, trying remove power from the memory

Scotty wrote: ↑Fri May 26, 2023 9:52 amI hope you have a confidant and/or therapist who can also hear this in person to help guide you through the stages of healing for this.

dunya wrote: ↑Sat May 27, 2023 12:30 pm i wish you a pain free healing journey, tutuu. it has ups and downs, days where you feel like you've moved on and overcome it and days where it hinders you useless. those days don't define us, but just know that the journey to healing isn't meant to be mess free and fast. it could take as long as it takes, just as long as you're on that journey is all that matters and you are.

tutuu wrote: ↑Sun May 14, 2023 7:29 pm i'd like to share something i'm very sensitive about in an attempt to heal from it. i'd like to ask that if ur under 18 to please not read, and i'll add a trigger warning for sexual assault

Spoiler: show

i was molested when i was 13. sexual assault via penetration. an older kid at school did it, he was 16. we didn't know each other, he just wanted to do it to someone, saw me, how weak i looked, did it to me in broad daylight in front of my friends. when my "friends" saw this, one of them, the nasty one said "they are f-ggots! run away from them!" and started running and laughing. the other "friend", a very kind hearted one but not particularly bright or an independent thinker followed his suggestion without questioning it and did the same. i haven't told anyone about this irl, i was too terrified that i was weak, i didn't wanna be seen as weak, i blamed myself for not being strong enough to retaliate. the way i coped with it is by blocking the memory out. it helped that i wasn't sexually aware at that age yet, so i didn't actually realize it was a sexual assault, i just winced at the pain and was confused why did he decide to hurt me in that weird place out of all other places he could have picked from. much later on i realized what happened to me and i'm trying a new method to cope with it, by sharing about it, trying remove power from the memory

DaughterOfOmega wrote: ↑Sun May 28, 2023 9:13 pm

tutuu wrote: ↑Sun May 14, 2023 7:29 pm i'd like to share something i'm very sensitive about in an attempt to heal from it. i'd like to ask that if ur under 18 to please not read, and i'll add a trigger warning for sexual assault

Spoiler: show

i was molested when i was 13. sexual assault via penetration. an older kid at school did it, he was 16. we didn't know each other, he just wanted to do it to someone, saw me, how weak i looked, did it to me in broad daylight in front of my friends. when my "friends" saw this, one of them, the nasty one said "they are f-ggots! run away from them!" and started running and laughing. the other "friend", a very kind hearted one but not particularly bright or an independent thinker followed his suggestion without questioning it and did the same. i haven't told anyone about this irl, i was too terrified that i was weak, i didn't wanna be seen as weak, i blamed myself for not being strong enough to retaliate. the way i coped with it is by blocking the memory out. it helped that i wasn't sexually aware at that age yet, so i didn't actually realize it was a sexual assault, i just winced at the pain and was confused why did he decide to hurt me in that weird place out of all other places he could have picked from. much later on i realized what happened to me and i'm trying a new method to cope with it, by sharing about it, trying remove power from the memory

Idk if sharing is helping you, but I hope so

Just from experience I've tried a lot, and this step takes some courage. Physical pain sucks, but really nothing else in this world hurts more than memories.

As a kid, I had to endure somethings that hurt in the moment, but the memories have always been the worst part for me.

► Show Spoiler

I witnessed a family member getting molested and potentially raped when I was a child. I didn't really know what I had seen at the time, but as I got older I realized what had happened and learned that it kept happening for years after because I didn't say anything. The anger at myself and regret is something I've struggled to come to terms with. The pain is so fucking bad for me, and I realize it was even worse for the person I allowed to keep being molested. Over the years I've become someone who is always open and never shutting the fuck up, it's caused me a lot of trouble too, but I never want to go through what happened back then.

Many people don't consider me a friend or anything, but I've always been pretty fond of you @tutuu

Live a good life, trust me I know it ain't easy.