My Last Yo

#1

Hey Peeps,
I’m writing this as I plan how I want to end this era of my life, but something I know for sure is that I made a ton of dumbass decisions. I could sit here and write them all out, but I can’t make this go on forever. I will say sorry to the entire community of MU/Syndicate though, if you were a mod whose life I made hell, if you were someone I attacked or harassed, if you were one of the people who had to experience a classic BenjiAO tunnel, and most of all if you were one of those who made an effort to be a friend to me.

Before my permanent ban on MU, I was a shitty person in most ways. After my permanent ban, I became an even worse version of myself. I put certain people through a lot, and after experiencing serious consequences, I did end up forcing myself to undergo serious reformation of my humanity. Although, even to this day I never got rid of my animosity or antagonistic behavior. No matter how much I could fix parts of myself, I would always return to these fundamental faults in my character. Years and years passed, but I never found enough self control and dedication to become the person the world needed me to. Maybe I just wasn’t made to be acceptable, but I at least did put in a lot of effort. I ban evaded for various reasons throughout the years, at the beginning it was about getting back at Newcomb or another mod, then it became a denial driven mission to show everyone that Benji was able to be a good person, and then toward the end I made accounts because I was so alone and wanted one or two more memories like the old days. To the people I met on Syndicate, it was very nice getting to meet you all and damn I think you guys are a great example of what I wanted to be. Sorry for being a shithead on your forum when I took breaks from evading on MU. Now it’s about time Benji put away the keyboard.

Thanks for all the memories and shit. I have very little in this world, but I could talk for months on end about the moments I was happy to experience on this site or in various discords. It’s an unfortunate reality that I ruined a lot of these moments for everyone else at the expense of my selfish actions. This will be it, even though I doubt anyone reading this will believe me for a while. Maybe in a couple years a few will look back and go “ya know it really was the last time we heard of Benji” but either way I did want to say goodbye before leaving it all behind. Me staying on the internet won’t help anyone, and being connected to these memories doesn’t help me.

I’m going to write a small excerpt to certain people that made a large impact on me, or that I felt had something I wanted to address.

LordQuas – Nothing I will type here could ever describe how special this dude is. He is the greatest friend I could have ever wished for. He kept me around in this space, in the times that I felt so dark and alone a discord notification from him would make me smile in a moment where happiness felt impossible. He put up with me for years, day after day he would show up to make someone like me happy. I’m not sure how a person like me ever deserved him and I was never a good enough person to make up for what he did for me. You gave me the will to live, and I won’t forget you while I take on the world.

Chad – I’m not sure what to say about you. I feel like Chad was always fair. He never faltered in believing what is best for everyone. I thought I was like him at times, but it was never close. Chad was everything I wasn’t, consistent, fair, and kind. When I did something wrong, Chad would be the first person reaching out to me to tell me how badly I fucked up. If I was ever able to listen to Chad’s advice, I’m pretty sure I could have fixed a lot of the conflict I created. When he felt like someone wronged me, he was my greatest defender, and when I hurt someone he’d yell at me and never let me get away with it. I wish I could have been more like you.

LanMisa – My favorite german. God, it’s been years since I burned the countless bridges that Lan tried to build with me, but I still think about the shit he told me all the time. I will never forget the genuine care that Lan showed me for. When I was suicidal, countless times he would make every effort to tell me that I had more value than I was giving myself credit for. He talked about how me being suicidal had him distraught and that he cared more than I could ever know. It was the first time that someone I met online actually cared whether or not I would be alive. You changed how I viewed personal relationships, and I know you hate me now, but it will never change how I felt about you.

SecondhandRevenant – If I know SR well, he’d prefer that I never talk about him. I guess it’s a common theme in my life, but like with Lan I burned my bridge with SR over and over and over again. He’d tell me “if you do that, I won’t ever talk to you again” and I’d still fucking do that thing. Then he’d give me another chance. I guess over the last few years I did finally break that bridge forever, but SR was always someone who gave me a chance. He was probably my favorite person that I met on MU even though I don’t think the universe ever intended us to be friends. I don’t know if SR remembers, but he was there for me through so fucking much. When I called him over discord crying and just wanted someone to listen to me. When I was going through my permaban, when I had overdosed and told SR that I did it to kill myself, he convinced me to call my aunt and get me to the hospital. SR might fucking hate my guts, but it says a lot about the kind of person he is that he’d do all that for someone like me. I have always missed you.

Dunya/Marmot – I really appreciate you two for trying to make me have a friendly space to be myself in. Like what made you guys believe that I ever deserved it? I’m such a shit person, and I still got so much special treatment from special people. God I wish I could have the person to repay people like you guys. I should have become a good friend and person to so many people. Dunya legit might be the coolest person I've met, so everyone else should be jelly.

MU/Syndicate staff – This is just generic because I likely won’t talk about every single mod that’s had to fucking deal with me. Yall put in so much fucking effort. My god, I know if I was in your shoes I would have just banned my ass so much sooner out of spite. Being a fucking mod has to require so much patience, and it’s pretty obvious I couldn’t. The passion you guys showed made me feel like I could change, but who knows.

Now my mental breakdowns are my issue, god bless.