
I’ve missed something, haven’t I?
Very shortly afterwards Sherlock has taken off his coat and is sitting on a sofa in the elegant sitting room and looking around. As he hears footsteps approaching, he sits up a little and holds the handkerchief to his cheek.
IRENE (offscreen): Hello. Sorry to hear that you’ve been hurt. I don’t think Kate caught your name.
SHERLOCK: I’m so sorry. I’m ...
(He turns and looks at Irene as she walks into view and stops at the doorway. His voice fails him as he realises that, with the exception of high-heeled shoes, she is stark naked. His jaw drops a little.)
IRENE: Oh, it’s always hard to remember an alias when you’ve had a fright, isn’t it?
(She walks into the room and stands directly in front of him, straddling his legs and half-kneeling on the sofa, then reaches forward and pulls the white plastic dog collar from his shirt collar.)
IRENE: There now – we’re both defrocked ...
(She smiles down at him.)
IRENE: ... Mr. Sherlock Holmes.
SHERLOCK (in his normal voice): Miss Adler, I presume.
IRENE (gazing down at his face): Look at those cheekbones. I could cut myself slapping that face. Would you like me to try?
(Narrowing her eyes, she lifts the white plastic to her mouth and bites down on it. As Sherlock stares up at her in confusion, John walks into the room carrying a bowl of water and a fabric napkin. His eyes are lowered to the bowl to avoid spilling its contents.)
JOHN: Right, this should do it.
(He stops dead in the doorway as he lifts his eyes and sees the scene in front of him. Irene looks round to him, the plastic still in her teeth. John looks at her awkwardly, then down at the bowl before looking up again.)
JOHN: I’ve missed something, haven’t I?
(Irene takes the plastic from her teeth.)
IRENE: Please, sit down.
(She steps back from Sherlock, who fidgets uncomfortably on the sofa as she walks away.)
IRENE: Oh, if you’d like some tea I can call the maid.
SHERLOCK: I had some at the Palace.
IRENE: I know.
(She sits down in a nearby armchair and crosses her legs, folding her arms gracefully to obscure the view of her chest.)
SHERLOCK: Clearly.
(They stare silently at each other for several seconds, weighing each other up. John looks at them awkwardly.)
JOHN: I had a tea, too, at the Palace, if anyone’s interested.
(Sherlock’s eyes are still fixed on Irene as he attempts to make as many deductions as he can about her. His final analysis is as follows:
???????
Bewildered, he turns and looks at John and starts to analyse him.)
Looking at his neckline: Two Day Shirt
Looking at his lower face: Electric not blade
Looking at the bottom of his jeans and his shoes: Date tonight
(John frowns as Sherlock continues to gaze at him.)
Looking at John’s right eyebrow: Hasn’t phoned sister
Looking at John’s lower lip: New toothbrush
Looking just underneath his eyes: Night out with Stamford
(Relieved that he hasn’t had a brain embolism, Sherlock slowly turns his head and looks at Irene again. Narrowing his eyes slightly, he applies all his deductive reasoning as she smiles confidently back at him, and he quickly comes to the following conclusion:
???????
He frowns.)
IRENE: D’you know the big problem with a disguise, Mr. Holmes?
(He quirks an eyebrow at her.)
IRENE: However hard you try, it’s always a self-portrait.
SHERLOCK: You think I’m a vicar with a bleeding face?
IRENE: No, I think you’re damaged, delusional and believe in a higher power. In your case, it’s yourself.
(Finally fed up with the tightness of his shirt, Sherlock starts unbuttoning the top two buttons. Irene leans forward.)
IRENE: Oh, and somebody loves you. Why, if I had to punch that face, I’d avoid your nose and teeth too.
(She glances across to John momentarily. John forces a laugh.)
JOHN: Could you put something on, please? Er, anything at all. (He looks down at what he’s holding.) A napkin.
IRENE: Why? Are you feeling exposed?
SHERLOCK (standing up): I don’t think John knows where to look.
(He picks up his coat, shakes it out and holds it out to Irene. Ignoring him for the moment, she stands up and walks closer to John, who rolls his head on his neck uncomfortably and forces himself to maintain eye contact with her and not to let his eyes wander lower.)
IRENE: No, I think he knows exactly where.
(She turns to Sherlock who is still holding out the coat while steadfastly keeping his gaze averted.)
IRENE (taking the coat from him): I’m not sure about you.
SHERLOCK: If I wanted to look at naked women I’d borrow John’s laptop.
JOHN: You do borrow my laptop.
SHERLOCK: I confiscate it.
(He walks over to the fireplace opposite the sofa.)
IRENE (putting the coat on and wrapping it around her): Well, never mind. We’ve got better things to talk about. Now tell me – I need to know.
(She walks over to the sofa and sits down.)
IRENE: How was it done?
SHERLOCK: What?
IRENE (taking her shoes off): The hiker with the bashed-in head. How was he killed?
(The boys look confused.)
SHERLOCK: That’s not why I’m here.
IRENE: No, no, no, you’re here for the photographs but that’s never gonna happen, and since we’re here just chatting anyway ...
JOHN: That story’s not been on the news yet. How do you know about it?
IRENE: I know one of the policemen. Well, I know what he likes.
JOHN: Oh. (He sits down beside her.) And you like policemen?
IRENE: I like detective stories – and detectives. Brainy’s the new sexy.
SHERLOCK (incoherently): Positionofthecar ...
(John turns his head and stares at him as he pulls himself together.)
SHERLOCK (starting to pace slowly): Er, the position of the car relative to the hiker at the time of the backfire. That and the fact that the death blow was to the back of the head. That’s all you need to know.
IRENE: Okay, tell me: how was he murdered?
SHERLOCK: He wasn’t.
IRENE: You don’t think it was murder?
SHERLOCK: I know it wasn’t.
IRENE: How?
SHERLOCK: The same way that I know the victim was an excellent sportsman recently returned from foreign travel and that the photographs I’m looking for are in this room.
IRENE: Okay, but how?
SHERLOCK: So they are in this room. Thank you. John, man the door. Let no-one in.
(The two of them exchange a significant look, then John gets up and puts the bowl and napkin on a table before leaving the room and closing the door behind him. In the hallway he looks around, then picks up a magazine from a nearby table and rolls it up. Back in the sitting room, Irene sits up straighter, looking suspiciously at the closed door.)
SHERLOCK (starting to pace again): Two men alone in the countryside several yards apart, and one car.
IRENE: Oh. I – I thought you were looking for the photos now.
SHERLOCK: No, no. Looking takes ages. I’m just going to find them but you’re moderately clever and we’ve got a moment, so let’s pass the time.
(He stops and turns to her.)
SHERLOCK: Two men, a car, and nobody else.
(He squats down and suddenly it’s as if he is at the crime scene, squatting down next to the driver’s door of Phil’s car. Inside, frozen in time, Phil’s face is screwed up with rage as he is about to slam his hands angrily onto the steering wheel.)
SHERLOCK: The driver’s trying to fix his engine. Getting nowhere.
(Straightening up, he turns and looks into the field.)
SHERLOCK: And the hiker’s taking a moment, looking at the sky.
(Now he’s down in the field, walking around the hiker.)
SHERLOCK: Watching the birds?
(He looks doubtful.)
SHERLOCK: Any moment now, something’s gonna happen. What?
(Irene is sitting on her sofa which has mysteriously appeared in the field near the hiker.)
IRENE: The hiker’s going to die.
SHERLOCK: No, that’s the result. What’s going to happen?
IRENE: I don’t understand.
SHERLOCK: Oh, well, try to.
IRENE: Why?
SHERLOCK: Because you cater to the whims of the pathetic and take your clothes off to make an impression. Stop boring me and think. It’s the new sexy.
It is now Night 7. PM me with your Night Actions and if you want Hedgeowl to be eliminated, and if you want Elochin to be eliminated. You have 24 hours.